When my future wife, Ann, first met me in 10th grade she thought I was a “pompous jerk.” (She didn’t tell me that for years, though.)
It was because of how I talked. Now she says that, after she got to know me, she realized that was just the way I spoke.
She is too kind.
I was a jerk. But I didn’t know it.
I Am Blinded by What I Think I’m Doing
I didn’t intend to sound pompous — to sound like a jerk. (Most don’t.) So, of course, I didn’t see myself being a jerk.
Let me say that again in more detail.
Most of the time the words I choose come from habit. I expect that’s true for most people.
When I did consciously choose my words it was often to score points with authority: the teacher. I knew I would get along better with the teachers (and get better marks) when I addressed my efforts to them.
In effect I tended to have a dry sense of humor. (It’s always better to tell a joke that only the teacher gets and everyone else doesn’t even realize was a joke.) I tended to use five-dollar words. (“Metacognition,” anyone? How about a dash of “epicurean?”) And I tended to have the right answer as often as possible. (You know, I was an annoying puke.)
Maybe in my mind I was “precise,” or funny, or just talking. I couldn’t see myself alienating others. That didn’t match my intent. It wasn’t in my reality.
Unintended Consequences: They Exist
In physics every action has an “equal and opposite reaction.” With people reactions are rarely so straightforward.
I developed a habit of speech to score points with one group (teachers). I did score those points. But reactions don’t end where you intend them to.
My habits carried over into conversations with my peers. I didn’t think about how it affected them. I didn’t consider that it alienated class mates.
I did it out of habit for getting something I cared about. I didn’t do it to make others feel bad. But it did. It had unintended consequences.
I Am Responsible for Outcomes
Condescending speech is alienating and ineffective. It breaks up relationships.
I didn’t intend to make Ann feel bad. But it happened anyway. Unintentional jerk still equals jerk.
Intention may make your reality but it doesn’t control outcomes. And it is outcomes that you are judged by. Good or ill.
God “looketh upon the heart“, but the rest of us are poorer judges of others’ intentions — and that’s when we bother to try. Most of the time I’m too wrapped up in my own needs to care if that guy who cut me off in traffic was actually rushing to the emergency room.
People may cut you some slack when you cause them unintentional pain. But you still caused pain, and you have to own that.
Take A Regular Step Back — Self 360 Assessment
Be sure to regularly check, “Are my actions creating the outcomes I intended to create? What unintended downsides am I blind to?”
If I had asked myself that question in 10th grade — better yet, if I had involved an honest friend in asking that question of myself — then I might have made more friends and given more happiness years earlier than I ultimately did.
What bad habits have you picked up that put off others?
