Dear ManagerJS,
I’m upset about something stupid I did yesterday. I was in a meeting with several peers. One of them suggested an improvement to our hiring practices. Before I knew what I was thinking I was already speaking. I said, “I categorically reject that suggestion.” Can you believe that? Not, “I see it a different way,” or even, “I disagree.” But, “categorically reject.” Really?!
What a condescending jerk.
Within a few moments I was uncomfortable. It didn’t take long for me to realize I had gone really wrong. I played it out in my head. Slow motion. Trying to see why I did that.
The suggestion was one we had talked about before. I largely agreed with him. I just hadn’t found a way to really implement it. It wasn’t a top priority for me.
I see now that I felt called out — attacked. I see now that the thing that really drew attention to my shortcomings was my own impulsive blabbing.
How could I have avoided my outburst? What could I have done in the moment to keep my head?
And what do I do now? The moment has passed. Sometimes I get ahold of myself in time to apologize in context. Not this time. It seems weird to bring it up as an agenda item in the next meeting. I’m sure there’s something I can do. But what?
Sincerely,
A Condescending Jerk
Dear Condescending Jerk,
Don’t be discouraged. This kind of outburst is common for some immature professionals. You can outgrow it. But just knowing about it isn’t going to be enough.
For now you have two things to worry about
- How do I repair the relationships I’ve damaged.
- How do I prevent this from happening.
Frank, Low-Key Apology
First of all mend the fences you’ve damaged. Choosing between an agenda item and nothing is a fool’s choice: Extreme opposing options forcing you to say “this or that.”
Is there a way you can address the personal wrong you’ve done to your peer without making a big deal out of it?
Couldn’t you apologize to your peer personally? That’s the most important thing.
Remember, face to face is best. Phone second. Email is lame, but better than nothing. Do it now. Do it sincerely. Keep it simple.
Just say, “Hey, I have to tell you: I’m sorry I was a jerk yesterday when you made your suggestion.”
You need to accept that this will likely happen again. Stay practiced at frankly admitting your mistakes.
Stop When You See a Jerk
Second, how do you prevent this?
When you feel like someone is attacking you remember to ask, “What do I really want?”
In this case, that question would have prompted you to recall how much common ground you have. It would have redirected your thoughts to acknowledge that common ground and seek to build from there.
The trigger is the thing. Just remember: The people you work with aren’t jerks. They aren’t attacking you. Not really.
When you see a jerk: stop. Ask yourself: What do I really want? What’s the best way to act to get what I really want?
You don’t really want to zing someone. You really want success. Zinging just feels good for a moment. Zinging isn’t success.
When you feel like someone else is a jerk — someone else is attacking you — trigger your conversation skills. The trigger is the hardest part. Once you remember to be conscious about what you are saying, the rest is much more straightforward.
